Putting your heart out on a date or telling someone you love them can be a nerve-wracking experience. And it’s even more painful when you say it and your partner doesn’t reciprocate the feelings. That’s why so many people decide not to say it until they feel confident their partner loves them back.
It’s also hard to know when you’re ready to utter those magical three words, because everyone’s relationship is different. “There isn’t one set time frame that can be considered the right time,” says relationship therapist Sofia Robirosa. Instead, it depends on the couple’s dynamics and how much quality time they spend together. She adds that it’s important to listen for cues from the person, such as their behavior. If your partner seems clingy, it might be a sign that they’re not ready for you to say it yet.
Another factor to consider is the culture of your partner, because it can influence how they feel about it. In some cultures, saying I love you is more of a big deal than others. “Some people grow up in families where these words aren’t used as much and they assign more meaning to them when they are heard,” says Robirosa. That might explain why the phrase is more guarded in France, for instance, while it’s more casual in America.
If you do end up saying it and your partner doesn’t reciprocate, don’t panic. It’s not necessarily a sign that your relationship is doomed, but it may be a good opportunity for you to communicate with them and see what’s going on for them. “Get curious—information is powerful,” says Berg. If they aren’t in the same place as you, maybe they just need more time to feel it or they might have been hurt before by someone who said it first.
In other cases, it could be that they’re in a period of “playful love” that doesn’t require commitment. That type of love has been talked about a lot recently, and it’s something to keep in mind when you’re planning your future together. It might sound like a fairy tale, but it can come with an expiration date.
It’s important to remember that love isn’t just about being happy all the time. It’s also about taking care of yourself and the people you love, as well as being able to handle the ups and downs. So don’t be afraid to embrace the romance this Valentine’s Day, and let your loved ones know how you feel. Just be sure to check in with them periodically to re-discover each other by asking open-ended questions, such as: “What are your hobbies and passions? What are your dreams and goals?” And don’t forget to treat yourself, too! Because, hey, you’re worth it.
