Whether it’s the bond with family or the camaraderie of friends, love enriches our lives, provides support in times of trouble, and needs care and understanding to thrive. It’s also a feeling that many people struggle to describe, which is not surprising considering how different it can be from the romance that fuels much of Hollywood’s fantasy and desire.
Various human bonding theories have been developed, described in terms of attachments, ties, bonds and affinities. Some Western authorities disaggregate love into two main components, the altruistic and the narcissistic.[2] The narcissistic aspect of love, they argue, includes a desire for power, status and security, while the altruistic aspect focuses on a concern for the spiritual growth of another and the desire to help them grow in self-esteem.
The narcissistic component of the modern love story is often seen as the primary cause of marriage breakdown and divorce, while the altruistic aspect of true love is usually associated with happiness and peace. Some psychologists and philosophers argue that the altruistic aspect of love is more important than the narcissistic, as it provides the motivation to commit to a relationship and to work through difficult periods of conflict.
It’s not uncommon for the first “I love you” to be uttered in the digital realm, with couples in long-distance relationships communicating via messaging apps or FaceTime. But is this a sign of commitment or merely a form of infatuation? And when is it the right time to say those magic words?
In general, it’s not a good idea to tell someone you love them too soon. But there’s no one-size-fits-all rule that can be applied to all relationships, and the exact time to express those feelings varies based on the individual couple and their relationship evolution, explains relationship therapist Sofia Robirosa.
She adds that if a couple spends lots of quality time together and displays a level of intimacy, they may be ready to move past infatuation into the more permanent emotions of companionate love or even passion. But if the connection is more fleeting, it’s best to wait until the commitment is solid and there are clear signs of devotion and mutual support before confessing love.
Aside from the sexy, heart-pounding feelings of infatuation and romantic love, there are other forms of love that have less to do with arousal and more to do with sacrificing and compassion, such as kama, or physical affection; prema, or elevated, or spiritual love; and karuna, or compassion. But despite its less-than-cinematic and sometimes unglamorous qualities, this type of love is just as real and just as worthwhile as the more dramatic, movie-star sexy stuff.
Because in the end, it’s not about waking up in the morning thinking you’re mushy-gushy in love with that person; it’s about crawling into the dungeons of real life with them and building connection, presence and trust over time. And in doing so, you discover what it really means to be loved by them — and yourself.
