When your soulmate says these three little words — love you — it’s as close to magic as you can get in the real world. Those magical feelings can have an effect on your hormones, boost your immune system, and even protect you from cancer, according to studies.
The way we think about love varies, with some scientists and psychologists saying it’s not an emotion at all, but rather a biological drive similar to hunger or sleep. Others see it as a complex emotion that blends primary emotions like fear and anger. And still others view it as an important emotional state in healthy relationships.
It’s no wonder, then, that so many people aren’t sure when to say it. A lot depends on the individual relationship and their cultural background. For example, the phrase isn’t guarded quite as tightly in France or Iran, as Adeline Breon explains in The Washington Post. And in some cultures, especially those that value family ties, a person might not say it to their parents until they’re in their late teens or 20s.
Some experts suggest that you gauge your relationship temperature before declaring your feelings. Psychotherapist Jenn Mann, host of VH1’s Couples Therapy With Dr. Jenn and author of The Relationship Fix, recommends checking whether you’re spending quality time together and determining if the intensity of your feelings is consistent. She also encourages you to determine if you and your partner share similar values. “If you can’t agree on how to treat one another, it could be a sign that your future together isn’t secure,” she says.
You should also decide if your feelings are truly love or infatuation. The former involves a desire to be around the person all the time and a commitment to them regardless of their actions, while the latter is narcissistic and short-lived, as psychologist Scott Peck points out in his works on human bonding.
It might help to remember that happiness doesn’t just happen — you have to work at it. It requires knowing who you are, understanding your values, and making decisions that align with those values. And, importantly, it means recognizing that things won’t always go your way and being satisfied with how you’re choosing to spend your life.
The best way to do that is by being clear about what you value and ensuring you’re in a relationship that’s aligned with your personal values. That way, if you do end up saying the words and they’re not reciprocated, it won’t be the end of the world, but rather an opportunity to learn.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with expressing your love if you’re ready for it. But you should take it slowly, and consider your options carefully before you make a big mistake.
