The complexities of love aren’t always easy to decipher. Whether it’s romantic or platonic, passionate or companionable, it may seem like something that is out of your control—but in reality, there are strategies you can use to cultivate it. One of the most important is being mindful about how you choose to act, especially when you’re in crisis or conflict with your partner. You may also want to work on building trust, emotional intimacy, and a strong sense of security in your relationship.
Despite the many myths and misconceptions about what love is, psychologists have determined that there are three biologically defined phases of it: lust, attraction, and attachment. These phases are based on hormones that stimulate different parts of the brain. The hormones estrogen and testosterone promote the desire for sexual gratification; the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine boost feelings of euphoria and arousal; and the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin encourage emotional bonding in long-term relationships. Not all types of love include lust and attraction; for example, friendship or companionable love often don’t involve sexual arousal.
A person’s behavior during love can also help determine if it is true or not. For example, if someone says “I love you” effortlessly and often, it can be an indication that they are not as invested in their relationship as you are. They might be using the words as a way to get attention, or they might not believe in the power of those three small words. In any case, they are likely not truly loving you.
On the other hand, if a person says “I love you” with an emphasis on commitment and a willingness to face challenges, they are probably not only telling the truth but also showing you how much they value your relationship. A sign of genuine love is someone who wants you in their life and is willing to work on their own issues, rather than trying to fix you.
It’s also a good idea to communicate regularly with the people you love, even if it’s through texting or video calls. You might find that talking to them about your thoughts and feelings helps you understand where they stand on the issue of “I love you.” In addition, it can help you stay connected by allowing you to keep up with each other’s lives.
Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide what love is. If you’re unsure of where your relationship stands, ask yourself the following questions:
