If there’s someone you can’t stop thinking about, whose face brightens up when you see them, who makes your heart race just a little bit more every time you spend together, then you might be in love. Despite what we’re told as children, that “love” may not be as simple as a fling or a crush; it could mean something deeper. In fact, there’s been a fair amount of scientific advancement in the way of understanding what happens in your brain when you fall in love, and it looks much different than the activity that occurs during infatuation or friendship. But even though we have a better grasp of what really goes on inside when you’re in love, there are still no concrete guidelines when it comes to telling your partner that you feel those feelings for them. Some experts say that there is no right or wrong time to say those three words, but others agree that there are a few key clues that can help you figure out when it’s the best time for you to do so.
The first thing you should do before deciding to tell your partner that you’re in love with them is examine the relationship that you have with yourself, says Sofia Robirosa, a Miami-based relationship therapist. She recommends getting radically honest with yourself and figuring out what you want from the relationship. “Love is a huge commitment, and if you don’t have the foundations of self-love, then it can be hard to maintain,” she says.
Another big consideration is the person you’re in a relationship with and what their expectations are. If they are looking for a more casual, short-term arrangement, it’s probably not the best idea to come out with those three words because it will likely end up hurting you in the long run. However, if they are a good fit for you and you’re happy in the relationship, it’s usually worth saying those words because they will validate what is already there.
Jenn Mann, a psychotherapist and host of VH1’s Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn, suggests using this free love quiz to gauge whether what you’re feeling is real or just a fling. She also advises that you should be affectionate with your partner and let them know how important they are to you. According to Arizona State University researcher Kory Floyd, those who are very affectionate with their partners have a lower stress level and fewer health problems.
But if you’re not sure where you stand, it might be a good idea to go back and take the quiz again until you can be confident in your answers. You’ll be a lot happier when you know that what you have is the real deal, rather than just a fleeting happiness that fades with time.
