Love is a deeply complex emotion that takes many forms. Whether it’s the bond we share with family, the camaraderie of friends or the butterflies from romantic feelings, love enriches our lives, provides support during tough times and needs care to flourish. But what exactly is love? And how can we identify if the relationship we’re in isn’t healthy?
In the past, psychologists have defined love as an emotional state characterized by a combination of feelings such as affection, desire and admiration. More recently, they’ve defined it as a feeling of attachment rooted in kinship, companionship and benevolence. It’s also been described as an intensely rewarding experience — one that provides a sense of purpose and meaning. Happiness, on the other hand, is a more generalized sense of well-being that includes both enjoyment and meaning in life. It’s the emotional state that’s most important to most people. Happiness can be found in many things, but research suggests that some are more effective than others at producing happiness. For example, health and a sense of purpose are highly correlated with happiness. Likewise, social relationships are a strong predictor of happiness, and having a good job is an important factor as well.
Despite the complexity of the emotions involved, it can be difficult to pin down an exact definition of love. It’s an elusive concept that has inspired philosophers, theologians and countless poets and artists. And it’s the subject of a whole branch of psychology called positive psychology that seeks to define it. Happiness, on the other hand, can be more easily understood. A recent survey found that the top three sources of happiness for most people are their health and wellbeing (both mental and physical), close relationships and a sense of purpose. Other drivers of happiness include being in nature, having a fulfilling career and spending time with family and friends.
When it comes to writing about love, it’s tempting to focus on the romantic aspects of the relationship and skip over the challenges that can come with it. However, it’s important to give your readers a full picture of what love is all about. A story that’s all sunshine and rainbows without any pitfalls will lose credibility.
If you’re writing a romance, consider identifying your main characters’ attachment styles and how those can impact their ability to love effectively. For example, a person with abandonment issues may find it hard to be vulnerable in a relationship. Or someone who was raised in a household where unhealthy relationships were the norm might struggle to express affection or trust others.
It’s also a good idea to include some of the red flags that can indicate a unhealthy relationship. For example, a partner who is constantly checking their phone, or avoids discussing their needs, might be signaling that they’re not committed to the relationship. If you can’t avoid mentioning the rough patches, at least include some of the ways that both partners can work through them together.
