When it comes to love, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. But some people think that saying “I love you” too soon can cause a great deal of emotional pain — especially if the person you say it to doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. And while the words themselves are important, how you say them matters just as much. That’s why therapists and relationship experts have some advice for when you’re ready to utter those three magical words.
If you’re not sure whether or not to say those words, you should gauge the temperature of your relationship, says Jenn Mann, psychotherapist, host of VH1’s Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn and author of The Relationship Fix. “You have to see if your time together goes from hot to cold, or if it’s more like a slow-burning ember of mutual commitment,” she says. “If it’s the latter, you can probably hold off on saying it.”
It’s also a good idea to make sure that your relationship is solid before you start telling anyone else how you feel, particularly if you know or suspect that you’re dealing with a “love bomber,” who treats their partners with manipulative power tactics. A love bomber might over-communicate their feelings or check up on you even when they’re not with you, or they may try to manipulate you by isolating you from your friends and family. They may also try to convince you that there are no other people who would ever want to be with you, making you believe that if you don’t stick by them, you’ll end up alone.
In a healthy relationship, you want to spend time with your partner and miss them when they’re not around. But you’re not codependent or needy, and you respect your partner’s independence and interests. You care about them, but you also have other relationships that give you joy. You share life’s responsibilities and work together on household chores, but you also have fun. And when you do decide to tell someone how you feel, you should try to be specific about your intentions.
While there are many different definitions of love, there are some things that all true loves have in common: caring for others, sacrificing yourself for them, and sharing a deep connection. And while some of these qualities might be hard to put into words, you can show them by your actions: by taking out the garbage, picking up their groceries or cheering them on at a sporting event.
Whether or not you choose to express your feelings through words, it’s important to tell your spouse how you feel every day. You can do this by writing a note, sending them a text or calling them on the phone, but you should also make it a point to show your affection for one another in more ways than just talking: through hugs, gestures and acts of kindness. After all, expressing your love for your partner can have positive health benefits: research by professor Kory Floyd at Arizona State University has shown that people who frequently say “I love you” experience lower levels of stress hormones than those who don’t.
