Many of us want to find true love. And when we do, we want that love to be lasting. The problem is, we’re often too focused on the romantic aspect of love and overlook the real work that goes into it. True love involves compromise, sacrifice, and hard conversations. It’s not always a beautiful experience — in fact, it can be quite messy at times. But when you’re committed to loving someone, the rewards can be far greater than just the initial highs of infatuation and attraction.
While the conventional scientific view of love tends to see it as a mammalian drive that’s driven by hormones such as oxytocin and neurotrophins, psychologists have found that it also has a lot to do with a person’s perception of their relationship. Some people grow up in households where they’re taught to value relationships and are more likely to say “I love you” early on, while others may be raised in more emotionally detached homes and don’t feel it as strongly.
Then, there are the cultural factors to consider as well. “I love you” can mean different things in different cultures. In France, for example, it isn’t guarded as much as it is in the United States, as dating coach Adeline Breon notes. In some parts of Asia, it’s considered a formal step toward marriage. In other places, it’s more of a playful statement that may have an expiry date.
Lastly, it’s important to understand the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. According to psychosexual & relationship therapist Sarah Calvert, loving someone means accepting them for who they are, including the parts of their personality or habits that you don’t necessarily love. It’s about being motivated to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be for them. “Being in love with someone, on the other hand, requires you to feel a strong desire for them,” she says. “It’s a feeling that can be triggered by a number of things, such as words of affirmation, physical touch, sending gifts, quality time, or acts of service.”
If you want to know if the person you are dating loves you back, Sarah suggests looking for how they show their love. She recommends understanding the five love languages (words of affirmation, physical touch, sending gifts, time together, and acts of service) so you can gauge what makes them tick.
Then it’s up to you to decide whether to let your heart be lead by the emotions that make you happy or if you should follow your head and trust your instincts. Either way, don’t be afraid to go all in. The happiness you seek is worth the risk – and the rewards.
