Love you is a word with a lot of meanings, and it can be hard to know when the right time is to say it. For some people, it comes naturally and they feel the words pour out on their tongues like honey. But for others, it may feel awkward or uncomfortable.
It’s also important to make sure you’re not rushing into it, and that you’re truly in love, not just infatuation or lust, says Jenn Mann, psychotherapist and host of VH1’s Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn and author of The Relationship Fix. She recommends gauging the temperature of your relationship to see if it goes hot and cold, or is more of a slow-burning ember.
Other experts agree that there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, and that a lot of it depends on the individual relationship and how it evolves. Sofia Robirosa, a Miami-based relationship therapist, points out that the right time to say “love you” is highly subjective and largely dependent on a person’s emotional evolution within the relationship. However, there are some warning signs that it might be too soon to profess your feelings:
For example, if you find yourself saying “I love you” all the time, it could indicate that you’re not yet fully in love. Additionally, if you’re constantly arguing with your partner or feeling insecure, those aren’t great signs that it’s time to declare your love.
Similarly, if you find yourself comparing your partner to other people, or if you’re constantly putting yourself down, those are not good signs either. If you’re constantly comparing your partner to other people, it’s likely that you don’t trust them and are worried about losing them. This could be a sign that you’re insecure and are looking for validation from other sources, such as from your friends or family.
It’s also helpful to consider what makes you feel loved, and how your partner shows their love for you. For example, if you notice that they go out of their way to do your favorite activities with you, or they’re always checking in on you, those are ways that they show you love. And if you admire them for their physical appearance or their mind and personality, that’s another way that they show their love.
Another good way to figure out how your partner feels is to ask them directly, says Jackson. Oftentimes, people don’t even realize how they feel about someone until you ask them, she says. Plus, it can help to do so in a non-threatening and safe space.
If you’re unsure how to phrase your request, consider using an app that helps with romance and relationships. The Gottman Institute’s app offers a deck of cards that provide open-ended questions you can use to guide the conversation. Or, you can try out a telenovela-inspired word game called Te Quiero (I Love You) or te amo (I love you) to practice your pronunciation with audio and video examples.
