When we fall in love, key brain regions light up like a city skyline at night. The ventral tegmental area floods with dopamine, and complex emotions such as attachment and empathy kick into high gear. It’s a euphoric, sometimes irrational experience that can be addictive. But it’s not static, and as we progress in a relationship, our feelings can shift from the heady thrills to the jealousy and longing of falling out of love.
We all have a different idea of what love is, but many of us believe that it’s a feeling — something we can’t control and must simply let happen to us. This view of love can make it seem as though you have no choice but to stay with someone even when they’re being difficult or abusive, which is why so many people struggle in their relationships.
It is also why so many couples are unhappy — even when they’re in a “love” that doesn’t include infidelity, abuse or other traumatic events. To understand why, you must understand what happens in the brain when you fall in and out of love.
Research shows that when we first meet someone and feel an attraction, the release of a jumble of chemicals, including dopamine (pleasure), adrenaline (fight or flight) and norepinephrine, make our hearts beat faster, our cheeks flush and our palms sweat. We can’t help this reaction, and it’s why we often say that we “feel in love.”
As the relationship develops, the giddy excitement of the early phases can be replaced by a sense of closeness and commitment. This is influenced by another shift in chemicals, with the release of dopamine and norepinephrine being replaced by oxytocin and vasopressin, which contribute to feelings of bonding and trust.
These chemicals can also lead to a feeling of being on top of the world, which is why so many people in love describe their experiences as euphoric. This can be a problem, however, because it can be hard to tell when these feelings are healthy or unhealthy and can lead you down dangerous paths.
Thankfully, there are things you can do to keep these feelings from going too far. One of the most important is to focus on your partner’s interests and try to understand what really drives them. This will give you something to connect over, and it’ll help you avoid irrational decisions that can lead to heartache.
Another way to cultivate true happiness is by embracing vulnerability, honesty and, as Velleman puts it, “celebrating a person for who they truly are.” This is what he describes as standing in love — an act of selflessness that requires making the sacrifices necessary to keep your loved ones safe. It’s a practice that takes time and energy, but it’s an essential part of loving well. If you’re willing to put in the work, a strong connection with your partner can be a source of deep happiness that will last a lifetime.
