Love is a powerful feeling, but it can also be hard to define. It can feel like a giant wave that crashes over you, leaving you so smitten you think your heart is going to burst. Or it can be more of a steady stream of affection that you nurture over time. Depending on the person and the circumstance, love may be intensely joyful or more of a steady mellowness that makes you feel good inside.
While the chemistry of romance can sweep you away in the beginning, lasting love requires more conscious decision-making than just hormones. “Love is a choice that you make and it takes time to grow,” says Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “If you rush to say ‘I love you,’ you’re not really in love.”
Even if you’re in a relationship where you regularly express your love and commitment, life has a tendency to get in the way. The day-to-day grind of work, household chores, and family responsibilities can keep you from having quality time together. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can create distance and lead to misunderstandings when you want to be intimate but aren’t able to.
So when is it time to say the big three words? And what happens if the person you love doesn’t reciprocate your feelings or wants something different from you? If you’re unsure how to tell someone you love them, here are some tips for navigating the often-thorny process.
1. Consider the Person’s Expectations
The biggest step in loving another person is understanding that happiness is a goal and not a state of being. It’s a combination of positive emotions and your evaluation of areas where you’re flourishing, or failing, in your relationships and life. According to Dr. Robert Diener, a researcher who coined the term “hedonic happiness,” it’s not realistic to be happy all the time.
Rather, you have to learn to savor the highs and embrace the lows. That’s why it’s important to have a clear picture of what you’re looking for in a partner before you utter the magic words.
2. Reflect on the Relationship with Yourself
Before you ever utter those magical words, it’s crucial to turn within and reflect on your own relationship with yourself. This can help you determine if your motivations are truly love or simply the desire to be with someone.
3. Look at the Person’s Behavior
Lastly, it’s important to see how you interact with this person. You can do this by asking open-ended questions, such as: “How is your day going?” or, “What did you do that made you happy today?”
While some people may be reluctant to say the big three words because of fear of rejection, a lack of communication can also hurt your chances of success. Ultimately, you should always listen to your gut and know that if the person you love reciprocates your feelings, it’s probably time to say those magic words.
